You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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