You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize