Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
