I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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