I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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