How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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