I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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