I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
