My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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