My liver just broke up with me...
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
