I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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