i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
