Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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