I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
