I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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