my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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