Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
