Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think your dad took our porno
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
