glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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