You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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