just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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