You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
