Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
