paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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