Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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