I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
