omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
