It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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