When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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