it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
