now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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