Soap is not a condiment
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
