Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
