o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
