I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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