If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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