My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
