I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
