I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
