how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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