Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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