your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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