Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
