he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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