apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
