I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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