I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize