omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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