A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
