The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
