his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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