sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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