I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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