i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
