I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
