sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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