Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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