I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
