Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
