Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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