i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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