don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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