the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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