Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
